Feeling loss...

November 26, 2016

 

Last night I had a dream that I was on a vacation with many people, when the time came to pack up and leave I was busy sitting with others talking and didn’t take the time to get my belongings together. As I boarded one of the buses to leave, I knew that my favorite possessions were going to be left behind, including my money, jewelry, cosmetics, clothes, etc…but I boarded the bus along with the others calm and collected. About an hour down the road I began to stress out…my stuff, I’ll never see it again! The buses stopped for a break and all I could think of was how I am going to get back to pack up my things! Emotions of loss, emptiness, sadness, worry, blame, confusion, depression, laziness, disappointment, hopelessness, tearfulness, distraught, feeling stressed out, restless, tense, unstable… I was Thinking to myself…”what was I thinking?”, “what was wrong with me?”, “why didn’t I pack?”.

Have you ever left something behind somewhere by accident or had to leave your belongings behind? What Emotions did you feel? What Actions/behavior did you take? What Thoughts went through your mind? 

It was like I was stuck on a roller coaster ride that was spinning out of control with me buckled down tight in the seat for the ride.

I woke up from this dream with an uneasy feeling, fear is the word I am looking for. As I am writing this I am thinking, "Why didn’t I just pack my things like everyone else? Why did I board the bus without a care in the world? What was I thinking?".

After waking in a confused state, I reminded myself that those things I left behind, were just that…things. The most important thing is that I was there…no replacements for me. Yes, the things that were very important to me, my most loved and cherished possessions were now gone, but time will heal those wounds and “things” will come and “things” will go….that’s life. 

The dream reminded me of my past, when I was 16 I left everything behind. Years have gone by now as I sit here writing this, the realization that the most painful thing I left behind that day wasn't a thing at all... it was my family. I left for my own reasons, I had to, I wasn’t forced but I knew I needed to build a life on my own.

A few years later, after leaving the home I was raised in, I went back to retrieve some of my childhood souvenirs, medals, letters and pictures I had kept—special memorabilia that I had packaged away neatly and placed in the attic for safe keeping only to find out they were thrown out with the garbage. When I was younger and lived in the house where I grew up, I would pull these boxes out on occasion, 2 of them to be exact (one shoebox and another box a little wider to hold diplomas and medals), and I would carefully sort through them. They reminded me of the good I did, they gave me feelings of self-worth, going through those boxes made me feel important, special, capable, I felt loved and happy. Learning that the boxes I had cherished and took such loving care of all those years were discarded of, crushed me. It felt as if a part of me was thrown away along with those boxes. I remember thinking to myself, “How could anyone do such a thing?” and “Why?” I never asked these questions to my family. I just assumed they didn't care. I learned in life not to ask too many questions, to take what was given to me and say thank you.

At the age of 16 I took action, an action that I do not recommend others take. We always have a choice in life, I chose to leave. I didn’t know how to communicate well back then, I didn’t learn how.  We should always communicate, we can tell others our Emotions, Actions and Thoughts (E.A.T.s), and if you think you do not have anyone talk with, you can always write your E.A.T.s down and work them out on a piece of paper!

Communication is the key, I communicate with myself daily by writing. E.A.T.s happen fast, most of the time I am not aware of how I am E.A.T.ing until I discover them on paper, evidence of who I am!

Late in the day before going to sleep, I sit with myself calmly for a few minutes and go over the day that I had experienced to discover who I am. Everything happens so fast, and sometimes life takes us by storm, our E.A.T.s (Emotions, Actions and Thoughts) sometimes get tossed and turned and we are usually unaware of them until we begin to investigate ourselves by reflecting on each day; day by day. 

I have learned to find the good in myself, my self-worth, importance, capabilities, love and happiness from within and that these beliefs of myself are not dependent on any piece of paper, medal or "thing" for that matter. 

Answering 7 questions each night in my Journey by Journal, puts my life in perspective, 7 questions to true happiness and love...daily, because happiness is out there-it depends on you to discover and create it. It really is your choice! 

Sometimes life takes us by storm and at times it is seems difficult to appreciate life—but if you look hard enough you most definitely can! That is when you really start living!!! Happiness is your choice, discover it, create it and nothing....nothing can take it away from you!!!! The storms will come and go....that's life... what you choose to create from those storms... is your life!   

 

Right now, in Israel, people are forced out of their homes by unexpected forest fires.... hundreds upon hundreds of acres of nature, homes, animals, life being destroyed by violent and unrelenting flames. 

What do I have to say about that? From the comfort of my home, my possessions untouched by the fiery flames, I can only say my heart burns for them all, for people and nature! The people who fled with their lives, the survivors... they have much to be grateful for! Their homes and possessions are just that—things. Possessions will come and go but what they hold inside their bodies, their souls and spirits, who they are...cannot be taken away from them; only if they choose to have it taken away! 

As the tears roll down my face I am trying to contemplate their Emotions, Actions and Thoughts (E.A.T.s) at this time...and contemplate my tears—are they tears of joy or sadness? I believe they are a mixture of both! 

I am thankful for my dream last night, it makes me realize the fear I hold deep inside about loss…not only of loss of material things but loss in general.

To the people who have survived fires, traumas, any life threatening situation—all people for that matter, we all have a great deal to be thankful for! Finding the good and being thankful for the good that comes out of ALL things that happen, have happened and will happen in life, is the key to living a loving and happy life.

My heart goes out to you all, know that you are loved and never alone!

Love and Happiness Always, 

Jennifer

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